'Tis the season to be careful

Is it January yet?

I was determined to treat this week as any other and use these precious few moments when your inner universe meets mine (👋👋) to talk about trauma and ADHD. Or trauma and mirror neurons. Or anything else that has nothing to do with the impending festive extravaganza that will engulf us in the next couple of weeks, whether we like it or not.

Because every angle on Christmas has already been explored, not everyone is a Christian, and there is no Santa Claus. Who’s with me?

I sat with my hot cup of tea looking at my draft yet feeling something’s amiss. It dawned on me that my apparent dedication to science on the brink of the most popular family holiday was most likely a textbook example of the subtle forms survivor dissociation can take.

We tend to think of dissociation in its intense, depersonalising form - which is absolutely a thing and can happen under extreme stress. But when dissociation becomes an established coping mechanism - as it often does for childhood trauma survivors - then it shows up as an array of unconscious withdrawal and avoiding behaviours.

The real reason I was ignoring Christmas is because I (still) feel ambivalent about it.

I can summarise my life experience with Christmas as follows:

I think it’s fair to say I’m still learning to enjoy this time of the year.

For a long time Christmas (or Easter, or birthdays, or anything else really) was no time to be jolly. I have little memories from that period of my life, but what I do recall is a heavy, enduring sense of dread.

Then there were the years of binge watching TV and eating chocolate. Coming to terms with the mix of surprise, curiosity and pity in people’s eyes each time I had to say that no, I will not be spending Christmas with the family. Walks on empty streets on Christmas morning. Time saved with no Christmas shopping required.

And now discovering the joy of Christmas. The delight of watching the people you love feeling happy. The busyness. The noise. The jumpers and the grottos. Learning to love it all (minus the Christmas movies which, much to my non-traumatised husband’s dismay, remain a step too far for me).

Christmas can be many things - and it can change in time. Wherever you are, be careful. Full of love and care for yourself, and those that love you back. Buy yourself a nice present if you can. Look forward. If everything else fails, at least January is not far.

Thank you for being here, and all the very best until next year.

Adina