“We acquire the strength we have overcome."
(Ralph Waldo Emerson)
There’s something that bothers me about the current conversation about developmental trauma. And that is the emphasis on the vulnerabilities survivors are left to contend with.
I’m the first to point to the findings of the growing science of trauma. Chronic stress, overwhelming fear, lack of play and affection during our formative years shape our hearts and minds in distinctive ways that help us survive when we are little, but don’t serve us as well in adulthood. Lots of adult survivors take the long and painful journey of retraining their nervous system, deconstructing core beliefs and building new ways of relating to the world.
However, spend too much time looking at the deficits that developmental trauma survivors have to overcome and you’ll miss the full picture or the right proportions.
Survivors themselves can often make this mistake.
Let me be clear, there is nothing less than about childhood trauma survivors.
To live an independent, normal-enough life despite not having had some of your most basic needs met early on is no small feat. Living in a comfortable home, having a job or running your own business, practicing self-care, finding something that you’re really good at, making friends, perhaps even building your own family - these are amazing achievements, and a reflection of tremendous strength and vitality.
Developmental trauma builds resilience, self reliance, and determination in the most challenging circumstances. Though they may lack awareness of it, adult children of abuse and neglect are incredibly brave - dealing with fear is kind of what they do best.
And this comes across in how adult survivors of childhood trauma show up in every area of their life, including work.
The handful of developmental trauma survivors that I know personally are, each and every single one, amazing people and leaders. Understated but incredibly hardworking. Reliable. Strong moral compass. Thorough. Can produce brilliant work independently - they have ideas and the discipline required to work them through to execution. Don’t take as much credit as they deserve. Very perceptive when it comes to others, listen more than they talk. Open minded. Inquisitive and avid readers, always learning.
The people who are getting on with life despite a history of childhood abuse and neglect are the people you want on your team.
‘Trauma survivor’ does not sound like a badge of honor, though perhaps it should. There is no more or less than. There are only differences, strengths and work in progress. If we are to truly embrace diversity, we must start seeing deeper in ourselves and the people in front of us.
Thanks for tuning in,
Adina
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