Who Can You Trust?
Three red flags for when your people radar is off
Have you ever opened up to someone at work, and regretted it - a LOT?
Work can be a strange place. I personally had no training, formal or otherwise, on what to expect and how to navigate the (often frustrating) social dynamics of work. We all make mistakes on the path to eventually learning how things work and who to trust. But in my conversations with trauma survivors, I’ve noticed this one theme resurfacing regularly: the pull towards harmful dynamics, over safe people. Which made me wonder - does trauma scramble our ability to read people? And how much harm might we avoid if we could somehow slow down enough to notice, and avoid, the red flags?
Relationships are the fabric of our lives. Unless you’re a hermit (lucky you…), you’re probably dealing with others day in and day out, and a big part of staying safe involves neutralising unhealthy bids of connection from others. And if you think this isn’t work-related, I’d like to remind you of the last team-building event that ended with HR getting involved, or the office affair that didn’t work out and is now poisoning everyone’s lives.
Work relationships are notoriously difficult, particularly in resource-poor environments filled with alpha personalities. It’s important to be crystal clear on what being treated well means for you, know how to respond to behaviours directed at you that you do not welcome, and at the same time remain able to connect deeply with others and allow for the possibility of making real friends (anyone with a work wife or husband?).
So how can you tell who’s safe, and who isn’t? Which people should you allow in, and whom should you avoid? Here are some warning signs that came to mind based on what I see, hear, and have walked into myself.
Things move fast (and you’re uncomfortable)
Just met someone, and you already know their salary, who they plan to fire, and everything their boss gets wrong? Are they making you feel special by trusting you with so much, so quickly? Asking you personal questions you’d rather not answer?
Lots of disclosure early in a relationship and disregard for boundaries are never a good sign. Intensity doesn’t equate depth of connection. One of the troubles with people oversharing is that they often expect reciprocation, your vulnerability for theirs. Before you know it, you’re up to your neck in an unprofessional soup that has nothing to do with getting the job done.
A polite laugh, followed by a change of topic, is sometimes an appropriate response.
The stories repeat and evolve
Unfinished business tends to haunt us, and one way that shows is in the stories people repeat to themselves and others.
When this happens at work - not the time and place I’d recommend, but life doesn’t care how your diary looks - compassionate listening is required. However, when emotionally-charged stories repeat, and particularly when new threads or characters appear on the second or third telling, I hope alarm bells set off in your mind as loudly as possible.
Everyone can share something that doesn’t quite belong in the workplace once. Doing it twice, and changing the story as you go, is my cue to suspend traffic and send in the detectives.
They don’t admire anyone
I don’t know when I first noticed this, but some people are unable to name one other human being, past or present, alive or dead, they wholeheartedly admire. Is it because they can’t see the beauty and goodness in others? Do they not trust it? I don’t know. Whatever it is, that inability to be blinded by someone else’s qualities and hold their good above all wrongs usually means that, no matter how much the person in front of you might rate you in this moment, they will eventually reduce you to your lowest moment or your biggest mistake.
We all have emotional and connection needs, but managing those carefully is important. There are people and places where we can release these needs and explore them safely. Dumping our pain, anxiety or frustration on co-workers, particularly when power dynamics are also at play, is a recipe for dysfunction.
If you’d like to take the conversation further, join the Trauma At Work private community, where we unpack one challenge each month.
Our next online meeting is on Thursday, 11 June, at 2 pm UTC (7 am PDT / 10 am EDT / 3 pm BST / 11 pm JST), and the focus is exactly this: navigating relationships after trauma.
Healthy connections are warm and steady. Trustworthy people listen, keep secrets, and deliver help when you need it. They bring you coffee and make you belly laugh.
What have you learnt to keep your distance from? If someone just starting out in their career would ask you for advice, how would you tell them to spot friends from foes at work?
Until next time,
Adina