I'm so glad you brought this topic up, Adina! Thank you. After I stopped performing, I worked on the other side of the camera for a casting director, scouting people for TV commercials. I remember walking into a therapy session and telling my counselor how dysfunctional (and familiar) the whole gig felt, and that my adrenals were shot. What I still recall vividly today is the shame I felt when I suggested to this man I was freelancing for, that we grab a snack for lunch, on the run (like a drive thru, NOT a 10-course meal!). Apparently, not eating all day was their norm. When I backed off and said it was no biggie, it's okay, he barked angrily at me, "This is NOT an emotional issue." Huh??? I was stunned by his outburst. There were a lot of issues. It was just not a healthy fit for me—WAY too familiar.
Thank you, Jan! I’m with you, there are professional relationships and environments where it’s extra hard to look after ourselves (as if self care wasn’t hard enough for survivors already 😅) even in the most basic ways. Big red flag. Glad you got out and are clear on the fact that it was them, not you 🙂🫶🏻
I'm self-employed these days but it raised an important question about the culture of the workplace in terms of self-care and being able to inhabit an authentic, regulated state when at work.
Adina, thank you for started this discussion of an extremely important and difficult topic.
As Karina stated it seems like we are hard wired to please others, even (or especially) to the detriment of our own wants and needs.
That self defense mechanism serves us fairly well as children - at least in the short term. But it becomes a toxic asset at work and in relationships.
Some specific actions I'm taking away from your post: 1) learn about the polyvagal theory and see how to apply it. 2) consider whether I'm sending out unintentional signals to my colleagues when, say, I cannot sleep and send out Teams messages at 3am. I definitely don't intend for people to handle them until their hours start... But maybe I'm being unintentionally coercive?
Agreed on the lack of privacy! My office is horrible because all of our spaces have glass walls facing our into the corridors. There is an unwritten expectation that the managers can have blinds but worker bees cannot.
However - for managers like me - sometimes we have to reduce our own level of privacy deliberately. Let me explain: One thing I've tried to do is make my space as easy as I can for people to talk in. I got rid of the blinds and have a round table positioned so that whomever I am talking to is shielded from view by my door. I'm always fully visible. If someone wants to have a truly confidential discussion we can go to an enclosed conference room. Otherwise I'm striving for openness while still trying to respect the privacy of a conversation.
I'm personally uncomfortable being in an enclosed space with another man in the room and nobody able to see what's going on. I know that doesn't make sense - I'm in no danger - but it feels very stressful. I'm positive my employees have the same sort of issues - especially the younger ones. So I'm trying to make it clear I've got absolutely nothing to hide.
Apologies for not being able to reply sooner, Mike - it’s been a difficult week.
It’s taken me a while to get on the polyvagal train but I think it makes a few very good points, and it’s given me some helpful strategies. I hope it does that for you too.
Regarding email time stamps, I’ve worked with people who made it clear they work unusual hours simply because that worked for them but had no expectation that anyone else would. And that was cool. What doesn’t work is pushing (sometimes vulnerable) people to work around the clock, constantly.
The lack of privacy is unhealthy. Leaders play a big role in setting the tone and creating the right environment. It sounds like you’re approaching this very wisely!
Apologies again, and thank you for your brilliant contributions!!
Trauma shapes the way we approach life as a whole, especially work. Reflecting on my experience, in Romania, work was my sacred space—a refuge where I found appreciation, community, and joy, even in exchange for long hours and hard work. It never felt like an unfair exchange. While life at home was a battlefield where I felt unsafe, work provided structure and a sense of purpose. As a trauma survivor, I longed for acceptance, and a simple word of appreciation was enough to drive me to work tirelessly, without hesitation or limits.
However, my story in England is far more unsettling. The patterns I formed in Romania, where work became my haven, carried over, but the environment here was harsh and exploitative. Working late became an unspoken expectation. It was "normal" to work Saturdays and Sundays, to travel across the UK or abroad without additional pay, and then to be in the office by 8:30 AM—even if I had arrived home at midnight the night before. Noncompliance was met with reprimands, and after one instance, you quickly learned not to question it again.
For trauma survivors like me, safety is a deeply sensitive issue. The need to have a job often forces us to accept unacceptable situations for much longer than those who haven't endured childhood trauma. We endure toxic environments and push ourselves to the breaking point because we desperately want to please and avoid conflict. We put the job, the expectations, and others' needs first—always at the expense of our own well-being. We only leave when we reach our absolute limit, but by then, we've already endured far more than we ever should have. Thank you for making me think and look at this topic. I will use it in one of my blogposts when I write my next chapter from the Naked truth series!
You raise two really important points, Karina - culture and work as a source of safety not just aggression. Thank you for your insightful comment, as usual 🫶🏻
I'm so glad you brought this topic up, Adina! Thank you. After I stopped performing, I worked on the other side of the camera for a casting director, scouting people for TV commercials. I remember walking into a therapy session and telling my counselor how dysfunctional (and familiar) the whole gig felt, and that my adrenals were shot. What I still recall vividly today is the shame I felt when I suggested to this man I was freelancing for, that we grab a snack for lunch, on the run (like a drive thru, NOT a 10-course meal!). Apparently, not eating all day was their norm. When I backed off and said it was no biggie, it's okay, he barked angrily at me, "This is NOT an emotional issue." Huh??? I was stunned by his outburst. There were a lot of issues. It was just not a healthy fit for me—WAY too familiar.
Thank you, Jan! I’m with you, there are professional relationships and environments where it’s extra hard to look after ourselves (as if self care wasn’t hard enough for survivors already 😅) even in the most basic ways. Big red flag. Glad you got out and are clear on the fact that it was them, not you 🙂🫶🏻
Great article, Adina.
I'm self-employed these days but it raised an important question about the culture of the workplace in terms of self-care and being able to inhabit an authentic, regulated state when at work.
Thanks, James! Your response actually got me thinking - would you say there are any triggers specific to self employment?
Adina, thank you for started this discussion of an extremely important and difficult topic.
As Karina stated it seems like we are hard wired to please others, even (or especially) to the detriment of our own wants and needs.
That self defense mechanism serves us fairly well as children - at least in the short term. But it becomes a toxic asset at work and in relationships.
Some specific actions I'm taking away from your post: 1) learn about the polyvagal theory and see how to apply it. 2) consider whether I'm sending out unintentional signals to my colleagues when, say, I cannot sleep and send out Teams messages at 3am. I definitely don't intend for people to handle them until their hours start... But maybe I'm being unintentionally coercive?
Agreed on the lack of privacy! My office is horrible because all of our spaces have glass walls facing our into the corridors. There is an unwritten expectation that the managers can have blinds but worker bees cannot.
However - for managers like me - sometimes we have to reduce our own level of privacy deliberately. Let me explain: One thing I've tried to do is make my space as easy as I can for people to talk in. I got rid of the blinds and have a round table positioned so that whomever I am talking to is shielded from view by my door. I'm always fully visible. If someone wants to have a truly confidential discussion we can go to an enclosed conference room. Otherwise I'm striving for openness while still trying to respect the privacy of a conversation.
I'm personally uncomfortable being in an enclosed space with another man in the room and nobody able to see what's going on. I know that doesn't make sense - I'm in no danger - but it feels very stressful. I'm positive my employees have the same sort of issues - especially the younger ones. So I'm trying to make it clear I've got absolutely nothing to hide.
Apologies for not being able to reply sooner, Mike - it’s been a difficult week.
It’s taken me a while to get on the polyvagal train but I think it makes a few very good points, and it’s given me some helpful strategies. I hope it does that for you too.
Regarding email time stamps, I’ve worked with people who made it clear they work unusual hours simply because that worked for them but had no expectation that anyone else would. And that was cool. What doesn’t work is pushing (sometimes vulnerable) people to work around the clock, constantly.
The lack of privacy is unhealthy. Leaders play a big role in setting the tone and creating the right environment. It sounds like you’re approaching this very wisely!
Apologies again, and thank you for your brilliant contributions!!
Trauma shapes the way we approach life as a whole, especially work. Reflecting on my experience, in Romania, work was my sacred space—a refuge where I found appreciation, community, and joy, even in exchange for long hours and hard work. It never felt like an unfair exchange. While life at home was a battlefield where I felt unsafe, work provided structure and a sense of purpose. As a trauma survivor, I longed for acceptance, and a simple word of appreciation was enough to drive me to work tirelessly, without hesitation or limits.
However, my story in England is far more unsettling. The patterns I formed in Romania, where work became my haven, carried over, but the environment here was harsh and exploitative. Working late became an unspoken expectation. It was "normal" to work Saturdays and Sundays, to travel across the UK or abroad without additional pay, and then to be in the office by 8:30 AM—even if I had arrived home at midnight the night before. Noncompliance was met with reprimands, and after one instance, you quickly learned not to question it again.
For trauma survivors like me, safety is a deeply sensitive issue. The need to have a job often forces us to accept unacceptable situations for much longer than those who haven't endured childhood trauma. We endure toxic environments and push ourselves to the breaking point because we desperately want to please and avoid conflict. We put the job, the expectations, and others' needs first—always at the expense of our own well-being. We only leave when we reach our absolute limit, but by then, we've already endured far more than we ever should have. Thank you for making me think and look at this topic. I will use it in one of my blogposts when I write my next chapter from the Naked truth series!
You raise two really important points, Karina - culture and work as a source of safety not just aggression. Thank you for your insightful comment, as usual 🫶🏻