Is there a place for negative emotions at work?

"We know too much and feel too little." (Bertrand Russell)

In the last two weeks I’ve written about traumatic triggers in the workplace. Knowing where the land mines might be buried is useful. It allows you to plan your route, tread carefully and keep your aid kit close by, just in case.

The best we can aim for is to create conditions in which we are triggered less often and less badly. Expecting to be able to avoid all triggers all the time or feeling nothing when they hit is, in my view, unrealistic.

So what is one to do at work when they’ve gone from 0 to 100 in a heartbeat?

Here’s what I’ve learned.

Suppression doesn’t work

Before knowing anything about trauma I put a lot of effort into catching my emotional reactions early, repudiating and silencing them. Why do emotions when you’re smart? Short term and superficially that seemed like a winning strategy. HOWEVER. The more I did it the higher the price I paid for it went, until it spiraled like a shark loan: average decision making, people pleasing or going with the flow when exhausted or in doubt, migraines, muscular pain, a general sense that I could do better but not sure how, and the occasional private blow up. Not recommended.

Letting it all out doesn’t work

This was not obvious to me for a while.

Sure, part of me understood how lashing out is counterproductive. Strong negative emotions can damage trust and push people away.

But part of me also felt entitled to - finally - have a voice. Take a stand. Expressing (a level of) disappointment, or anger, or frustration served a deeper purpose of honouring the part of me that felt hurt or abandoned.

Expressing some negative emotion at work also made me feel more authentic. Aren’t we all now supposed to bring our whole self to work?! (No, not at all actually.)

With time, I came to see the problem with negative emotions at work as twofold.

Firstly, negative emotions often make us say or do things we’ll later regret. High emotional arousal distorts our perception, and reduces our ability to operate from our rational brain. What we may be convinced is true or justified right now might look different tomorrow. If there’s one thing I’m proud of learning is not (re)acting when I feel emotionally overcharged, no matter how strong the urge to take action is. The quicker you are able to notice your overexcitement and hyperactivation (heart racing? clenched jaw? fidgeting in your seat?) the more deliberation and choice you can infuse your behaviour with. And in the workplace, where mistakes are often costly for employer and worker alike, that is a big asset to have.

My second problem with negative emotions running wild goes back to the relationship and reputation damage they can do - often greater and more lasting than any benefit that comes out of giving your negative emotions a free pass. In some cases our own negative emotions can trigger other survivors as well, taking it all to a whole new level of messy.

Workplaces love cool cucumbers. At the heart of the much coveted executive presence (a deeply male biased concept in my view, yet still very popular) there’s the ability to project calm and thoughtfulness even under extreme stress. And that emotional control and calculation is an antipode to the deeply feeling, spontaneous and authentic (whole) self.

Emotional regulation works

First off, am I the only one who hates the expression ‘emotional regulation’?? I wish something as valuable would have gotten a more inspiring name.

Emotional regulation is one’s ability to manage their feelings, and the emotions of others. Self-regulation is something we can all learn. That process typically starts in infancy. The successful attachment between child and mother is the ideal early vehicle for finding out that big, scary emotions can be safely felt, they fulfill an important function, they will eventually subside, and there are things we can do to help them do so. When attachment is disrupted for any reason, children grow up to have multiple challenges, including a reduced ability to identify, tolerate, interpret and contain emotions.

Emotional regulation at work for me has taken many forms: going for coffee with a very close work friend that I can speak openly to. Going for quick walk around the block when friends are busy. Stomping around or doing breathing exercises in the bathroom until my heart rate went down. Stepping away from my laptop and deciding to answer that email later. Sticking post-its with helpful phrases and my values up on the wall in my home office so I can use them in the storm.

And always reflecting back on the deeper dynamic once I was able to.

The bottom line

As survivors, we’re likely to experience frequent negative emotions at work and be less skilled at managing them than others. We can allow these negative emotions to burn us out or we can accept them as natural consequences of having overcome great hardship, create a suitable space for them to kick off, and learn from them. Reflection is the biggest tool any of us has so I encourage you to use it often.

Wherever you are on your emotional self-regulation journey, keep going - the hard work will pay off. If you’re not sure where to (re)start, here are a few suggestions.

I hope you’re enjoying reading Trauma At Work and finding it helpful or empowering. If you have a question or want me to address a specific topic in a future article, email me at traumaatwork@outlook.com or message me on Substack.

Thanks for tuning in,

Adina