You Don't Need to Forgive in Order to Heal
Amanda Ann Gregory explains why
Two weeks ago I was scrolling doing important work on Substack when I came across an opportunity to get a free copy of
This is an extended version of that review - one which I hope will benefit my readers.
About Amanda
is a practicing trauma psychotherapist based in Chicago, IL and an accomplished writer. She is also a developmental trauma survivor. Her story - which she shares candidly in her book - is one that carries many similarities with my own. I was therefore understandably captivated by Amanda’s even and discerning exploration of the wounds inflicted upon her, her family’s intergenerational trauma and her own recovery journey. I should probably add that my and Amanda’s paths have never crossed before this book. We’ve never met or had a proper conversation, and there are no financial incentives for me to promote her book.
What the book is about
As the title suggests, forgiveness is the core theme. I don’t know how you feel about it but I’ve always been a bit confused about what forgiveness really means, and definitely reluctant to turn the other cheek or love those who have (recklessly and repeatedly) wronged me. I am also estranged from my family of origin for a whole lot of solid reasons that I prefer to keep private. In time this has attracted a certain amount of judgement and push towards a ‘forgiveness’ that would allow for a more socially acceptable arrangement. In her book Amanda walks us through the data, the options and the arguments, and with impeccable intellectual rigour she gives survivors permission to free themselves from any obligation to forgive. For me personally, Amanda’s book articulated something that I didn’t have words for yet, and felt validating and reassuring.
Why I chose to write about “You Don’t Need to Forgive“
Because this book includes Amanda’s story - and that is something to honour.
Because “You Don’t Need to Forgive“ is chock full of useful ideas and practical information, and psychoeducation is power. Chapter 11 alone - a concise outline of 20 key therapeutic interventions that help recovery from complex trauma - is worth the investment. I found the sections on the relationship between forgiveness and shame, and forgiveness and religion also excellent.
Because Amanda did her homework. Aside from having access to her own story and those of her clients, this book is thoroughly researched and documented. Amanda is also good at keeping the language accessible, and showing limitations and biases in research so we can see beyond the headlines and the abstracts and take away only what’s really supported by evidence.
Because writing a book - particularly a good one - is a huge achievement that requires tremendous effort, time, and determination. And when a fellow survivor does that to support the healing of other survivors, they deserve our acclaim.
Because the book dismantles unhelpful clichés about forgiveness and strips the concept of its moralistic undertones, putting forward a pragmatic and compassionate view of what forgiveness could be, should one freely choose to pursue it or experience it spontaneously.
Ironically, Amanda has written an entire book about forgiveness to fundamentally convince us of one thing: whatever we think of forgiveness, it simply doesn’t matter much when it comes to processing and integrating trauma.
For me the essence of “You Don’t Need to Forgive“ was encapsulated here:
Elective forgiveness is an experiential process, not a compulsory goal. It takes forgiveness off your recovery table unless you need or want it to be there, but it also leaves space should forgiveness naturally manifest. It is not antiforgiveness; it gives you the agency to seek, discover, and embrace all forms of forgiveness if that is what you want or need. If you decide to embrace elective forgiveness, know that, like all types of forgiveness, it is not a panacea. It does not make trauma disappear, nor does it heal all emotional wounds. It’s simply an experience that may or may not support your recovery.
More quotes that stayed with me
Anger was never the villain; it was always a misunderstood ally.
We are not born with an inherent sense of self-worth. Instead, we learn our worth based on our relationships and interactions with others.
Shame can become a significant roadblock in forgiving your offender(s), as it is the antithesis of self-worth. If you do not believe you have been harmed but rather brought harm upon yourself, you will not even consider forgiveness.
We cannot separate forgiveness and social inequality in trauma recovery, as forgiveness, trauma, and trauma recovery always occur in a social and political context—one that is fraught with inequality.
Forgiveness has been and will continue to be used as a weapon against oppressed survivors in order to maintain social inequalities, which causes further trauma.
Instead of seeking forgiveness to avoid emotional processing, it’s more productive to engage in emotional processing as a method to embrace elective forgiveness.
And some goodies for you!
As part of her promotion for the book, Amanda is giving away some treats:
Download: You Don't Need to Forgive Journal
Download: You Don't Need to Forgive Discussion Guide
There are still a very small number of free copies available to anyone willing to review the book - a couple of paragraphs is fine. If you’re up for it and move quickly (first come, first served), you can grab it here.
Thanks for tuning in,
Adina
"Wrecklessly and repeatedly" really resonated. I have held so much shame for my anger towards my mother but it's not easy to have a mother who dislikes me, sees me as competition, does not want me to succeed, projects onto me and refuses to talk about any of it. I am buying this book today.
Dear Adina,
I was taking a break from the—well, let’s just say less than thrilling—task of job hunting when I came across your article. What a fantastic read! I truly appreciated your insights, and this quote in particular struck a deep chord with me:
"Forgiveness has been and will continue to be used as a weapon against oppressed survivors in order to maintain social inequalities, which causes further trauma."
It’s so painfully true. You and I both understand the profound impact this has on survivors. Hopefully, I’ll get to read this book one day—thank you for bringing it to my attention!